bonus early ncfb pix

• TTech +7 vs. T - love this matchup in Lubbock
• BC -5.5 vs. Clems. and ghost of Bowden
• Stanford -30.5 vs. Wash St
  
• UW +44 @ USC
• Bama -24 vs. Arkansas St.
• Georgia +5.5 "vs." Florida (In Jacksonville)
• Ryan Howards weighs 400 pounds and is an alcoholic -10.5 vs. Chase Utley is an alcoholic.
  

nfl city

I'm 16-18-1 after Nashville's vic. over Manning's Staph-infected squad and the dying Tony Dungy.

Next week:

• Browns -1 vs. Joe Flacco (who is the Baltimore coach, Jim Harbaugh?, wtf is that?)
• KC +8 vs. TB - the DFAMWI Pick O' the Week
  
• Bills -5 vs. Jets
• Cards -3 @ Rams
• Lions +14 @ Orton's Kidz - Spite Pick O' the Week
  
• Vikings -4.5 vs Texans
• Benglas +8 vs Jax
• Dolphins +3.5 @ Broncs
• Ny Giants -7.5 vs Dallas
• Philly -7 @ Hawks
• Atlanta -2.5 @ Oakland
  

So far im putting a lot of faith in terrible teams to cover. Last week favorites were 5-7-1. This week I really liked faves and struggled to pull myslef into a few dogs. We can pull above .500 this week. Matchups involving Indy and Tenn to come tommorow.

NFL City

NFL, 10-13-0. And now...

• Philly -8.5 vs. Atl
• Jets -12 vs. KC - it only gets worse for the Chiefs in Herm's homecoming. Firing Herm in t-minus 2 games, begin countdown.
  
• Pats -7 vs. St. Louis - suddenly St. Louis must be the best team in the NFL. And who says there isn't an innate, subconscious, power NFC East bias in the national media?
• Bills -2 @ Dolphins - I REALLY like this pick. The picks I REALLY liked last week didn't work out so well... at all. If anything did work last week, it was my mantra to pick close home dogs. I did good with Buffalo with that one but didn't listen to my advice enough. Bills are still an enigma, but I think SD isn't that good, just isn't at all.
  
• Oakland +7 @ Baltimore - 'Don't Fuckin Ask Me Why Idiot' pick o' the week.
  
• Skins -7.5 @ Lions
• Panthers -4.5 vs. Cards
• Saints +3 "vs." Chargers - London w/out Bush but Brees loves to play against his old squad.
• Bengals +10 @ Houston - The first annual Allied Municipal Waste Treatment Plants's Shit Bowl live from Houston, TX!
• Jax -7 vs. Cleveland
• Giants +3 @ Steelers
• Sea +4 @ SF
  
• Tenneesee -4 vs. Indi - love this one

5-5-1 w/one to go including the first push of the season. Wow, the Bengals really are just that bad. Saints did well, bouncing back, Dolphins too. Jets suck ass. Philly back as a serious contender? Dunno how I missed betting on Dallas TB this week. I have the potential then, after tomorrow, to be 16-18-1.

By the way did we see Mike Singletary just absolutely be a firebrand after getting slayed by the Hawks in his debut?

college footy

15-21-0 coming into this week. Let's see if we ravaged the spread, or whether it tied us up and tortured us. Here's a new thing I just thought of - let's see which of the matchups each week that I bet on were most off the line, whether I won or lost the wager. Let's see if I do better or worse than average over the course of the season on the lines that Vegas got really wrong. I'd assume if I do better in those scenarios as opposed to lines that were close to Vegas, that's not a good sign. It would indicate my victories are lucky as opposed to my losses being unlucky. Here we go...

• #12 Boise St. -7.5 @ San Jose St. (Thursday Night Special)
• #6 Oklahoma St. +14 v@ #1 Texas - I realize that Okie St. is #6, but for Texas this still plays like a trap/letdown game.
• #2 Bama -7 @ Tennessee
  
• #9 Ohio St. +2 vs. #3 Penn St - adios Joe. This is a weekend of yet another big shakeup at the top of the standings.
• #4 OU -17 @ K St.
  
• #5 USC -15 @ Univ. o' Az.
• #7 Georgia +2.5 @ #13 LSU Swamp
• #23 Kansas -2 vs. #8 T Tech - adios tech you suck
• #10 Florida -22 vs. Kentucky
• Wyoming +33 @ #14 TCU ? ? ?
  
• #15 Mizzou -21.5 vs. Colorado
• #16 USF -4.5 @ Louisville
  
• Rutgers +9 @ #17 Pitts

8-5, a solid performance. 23-26-0 on the season. Vegas' worst prediction in the game I bet on was the T Tech Kansas game. 44 pts off. Ouch. I got that one wrong - and in amazing fashion, penning that T Tech sucked.

Fuck This

Fucking ESPN. They really screwed the pooch on this one. These bastards get the rights to every fucking game in the country, then, like a fat person choking on a piece of food, indulged beyond capacity. Case in point, the famous 3:30pm EST slot. Usually ABC has an Big 12, Big 10 and ACC game during this slot. Usually only one of the games is good, so you'll get your local action on ABC and the alternate on ESPN2. Twice now, this week and last, I haven't been able to watch a stellar Big 12 game because ESPN shows my local shit ACC matchup, but then, mysteriously, shows a total shit Big 10 matchup on ESPN2. I got Northwestern vs. whoever last week instead of Kansas Missouri and I was engraged. But today it's gone a step further. ABC is showing me VTech vs. FSU and ESPN2 again features a shit big-10 matchup. What's left out? Only the BEST FUCKING GAME ALL YEAR - Gundy's OSU Boys vs. Texas. I realize that the line says OSU Penn St. is a better matchup, and I realize ESPN was @ Texas last 2 weeks in a row, but how can you not televise this game nationally? God dammit. Looks like West Coast viewers will also miss this matchup due to USC Cal, and all those in ACC viewing area as well. Prolly other markets. Of course its being shown in Big 12 country, but the only other place I saw it listed was WABC. That's what I get for getting direct tv's local channels? FUCK THAT. FUCK THIS. I doubt any sports bar will even be showing it since it's such a confusing situation. Sure the Big 12 is packed with tons of good teams this year and that's what's creating this mess but FUCK ABC. FUCK ESPN this is bullshit. I guess ill just watch fucking OU vs K St. on Fox. Fuck ESPN. Fuck you so much.

Donaghy's Bean Kids and Dick Jauron Presents: TJLP O' the Day

"I was doing online tudoring," he remarked.

"Oh yeah, in what?"

"In Google. These fucking kids or whoever they are, they ask me a question, like a multiple choice one. I rephrase it back to them acting all philosophical then go look up the answer to their geometry shit or whatever it is on Google."

"Nice."

"Yeah."

Football Reconationing and Predicitfying

Last Week:

• NCCA: 10-14-0
  
• NFL: 5-7-0
  

Overall: Picking virtually every game in the NFL in the given (2) weeks wagered, and many in college.

• NCAA: 15-21-0
  
• NFL: 10-13-0

This means that I don't watch enough sports. Not in the mood to do a major breakdown stat-wise right now so we're going to wing it and we're going to have a winning week. Particularly in the top-class games of NCAA this week, I just obviously didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I need to watch more football. Really only started watching intensely the past 2 weeks and it's showing.

This week in the NFL:

• Philly -8.5 vs. Atl
• Jets -12 vs. KC - it only gets worse for the Chiefs in Herm's homecoming. Firing Herm in t-minus 2 games, begin countdown.
  
• Pats -7 vs. St. Louis - suddenly St. Louis must be the best team in the NFL. And who says there isn't an innate, subconscious, power NFC East bias in the national media?
• Bills -2 @ Dolphins - I REALLY like this pick. The picks I REALLY liked last week didn't work out so well... at all. If anything did work last week, it was my mantra to pick close home dogs. I did good with Buffalo with that one but didn't listen to my advice enough. Bills are still an enigma, but I think SD isn't that good, just isn't at all.
  
• Oakland +7 @ Baltimore - 'Don't Fuckin Ask Me Why Idiot' pick o' the week.
  
• Skins -7.5 @ Lions
• Panthers -4.5 vs. Cards
• Saints +3 "vs." Chargers - London w/out Bush but Brees loves to play against his old squad.
• Bengals +10 @ Houston - The first annual Allied Municipal Waste Treatment Plants's Shit Bowl live from Houston, TX!
• Jax -7 vs. Cleveland
• Giants +3 @ Steelers
• Sea +4 @ SF
  
• Tenneesee -4 vs. Indi - love this one

This Week in NCFB: New strategy, pick the top games.

• #12 Boise St. -7.5 @ San Jose St. (Thursday Night Special)
• #6 Oklahoma St. +14 v@ #1 Texas - I realize that Okie St. is #6, but for Texas this still plays like a trap/letdown game.
• #2 Bama -7 @ Tennessee
  
• #9 Ohio St. +2 vs. #3 Penn St - adios Joe. This is a weekend of yet another big shakeup at the top of the standings.
• #4 OU -17 @ K St.
  
• #5 USC -15 @ Univ. o' Az.
• #7 Georgia +2.5 @ #13 LSU Swamp
• #23 Kansas -2 vs. #8 T Tech - adios tech you suck
• #10 Florida -22 vs. Kentucky
• Wyoming +33 @ #14 TCU ? ? ?
  
• #15 Mizzou -21.5 vs. Colorado
• #16 USF -4.5 @ Louisville
  
• Rutgers +9 @ #17 Pitts

Rays Heaven

Good job Tampa Bay. Just when it was starting to look like the Boston Red Sox had turned MLB and its fans into something akin to pro-wrestling, the Rays put the Sox our of their pathetic, miserable existences. Kevin Eukelis will get to hit the streets and start molesting a week earlier now.

I'll be betting each game of the WS and also trying to get a series price. Lines aren't out yet as TB hasn't picked their starters. Gotta go with Garza for game 2 right, Shields or Kazmir for game 1? NFL reckoning is coming up, looks like I have a chance to split this week if Denver can come through tonight, and I'd also appreciate a meager 2 pts (20yds+) from V Tech's Eddie Royal via Jay Cutler tonight to get a fantasy victory.

Bonus NCFB picks

Having started out 0-3 in the pre-weekend games, I'm adding a couple picks here that somehow it appears went unpicked.

UNC -3.5 @ Virginia f/ghost of Al Groh (sp?)
Texas -4 vs. Missouri

And as much as I hate to do it and am not keeping tack, I recommend Boston +135 tonight. If anything, I should just put tons of money on Boston here as I NEVER win huge wagers. In essence I'd be buying myself a Tampa victory.

I'm Not Here This Isn't Happening

How to disappear completely. You know, all the Aaron-boonings in the world won't make up it if the Sox comeback in this series. Kevin Eukelis makes me want to die. Whether beating the As down 2-0 in the ALDS several years back, coming back on the Yanks down 3-0, coming back on the Indians last year, whatever. All the Aaron-boonings in the world just don't matter. It's not worth it. I won't be watching the last 2 games in the series. I'm just going to close my eyes and hope for the best. If the Sox end up pulling it out, I'll just never watch baseball again, it's that simple. Next time I watch baseball will be the playoffs next time Red Sox are no longer competing in it.

TJLP O' the Day is last nights game, specifically the moment where Eukelis, who looks like a child molester, crossed the plate to score the winning run.

WHY WHY WHY did the rays leave that pitcher in that gave up all the runs in the 8th. Right from the get-go he couldn't find the plate. He was like a deer in the headlights. Why did he stay in there? You had a perfect chance to sinch the series and you left that clown in there? Shameful. Let's face it, last night was nothing more than the Rays' bullpen just absolutely choking.

TJLP O' the Day

You can't see straight as you drive down the road. You're not sure, but you're sure enough to know you're bobbing all over the lane. Is that a cop behind you? You make it home but you wake up the next morning and peruse the paper to make sure there were no hit n' runs the night before. (Dooh Doo-da-la-doo-doo, CRASH, doot-doot. Ding!)

College Football List

5-6 for my first week of NCAAFB. Not nearly as many big name matchups this week. Could be harder to pick. We'll see. Right to the point:

• Florida St. -10.5 @ NC St.
  
• BYU Pick'Em @ Horned Frogs - this is actually the best matchup of the week, thursday on Vs. Don't know if this will even be in HD.
  
• Boist St. -24.5 vs. the ghost of Colt Brennan and Timmy Chang
• Connecticut Pick'Em @ Rutgers
• Wake -1.5 @ Maryland (4 straight road teams now, hmmm)
• Georgia Tech - 2 @ Clemson (5 i a row)
• Miami -4.5 @ Duke (6...)
• V Tech +2.5 @ BC (7...)
• USF -24 vs. Cuse
• Wisconsin +3.5 @ Iowa
• Kansas +20 @ Oklahoma (curious line me thinks)
• Tennessee -7 vs. Crooms Kids from Miss. St.
  
• Alabama -13 vs. Ol' Miss
• Vandy +14.5 @ Georgia
• USC -42.5 @ WSU - What a fucking line.
• Michigan St. +3 vs. Ohio St.
• Michigan +23.5 @ Penn St.
  
• Oregon St. -14 @ Washington
  
• Cal -2 @ Arizona
• Colorado -3.5 vs. Kansas St.
• LSU -3 @ South Carolina
• Stanford +2 @ UCLA

22 Big Matches - 22 victories...

Bonus Baseball: Not keeping track but Rays came through again last night. Possible elimination for the Dodgers tonight featuring Joe Torre's Kidz. Philly's got their ace on the hill and the Dodgers no longer appear to have an ace at all. Chad Billingsly will try to save the season and the Dodgers at +105ish. I'll take a favorite for once in this series and look for Cole Hamils and the boys to finish off LA at -115.

Reckoning NFL's Week 7

Not that I'm keeping track but last I split again last night in the playoffs. Nice +200 victory for the Rays and I was on track until Matt Stairs and my favorite Hollywood typecast grease ball Shayne Victorino blew up Chavez Ravine, home of the angry Hispanic fan. By the way, Matt Stairs was rocking the scary facial hair, lumberjack/molester, porky/pear-shaped overweight, serial killer look long before dorks like Kevin Eukelis stole it.

Then there was the senseless beating taken by NY. Maybe Cleveland isn't as disastrous as we all though they might be, and maybe the ND-alum boosters are pushing this Quinn-in Anderson-out thing more than it ever needed to be pushed, (why give up so quick on DA?), but NY laid a fucking egg and it showed a lack of focus. They need to lose close games against good teams, not literally shit themselves on MNF against the Browns. It makes me 5-6 on the season ATS thus far. Let's do better this week... and so it begins.

As I mentioned in last post, the games I bet on saw Vegas out, with dogs and faves achieving the spread in just about equal fashion. We'll do then what we should and at least attempt to pick an equal number of dogs and faves this week to bully and, indeed, fuck the spread. I want a hot dog. I'll settle for a vegetarian corn dog. Settle is the wrong word, they are fucking amazing.

After this week I promise to be responsible and analyze how Vegas is doing on road/home breakdowns when it comes to dogs and faves too. I bet they are generally right on with that as well. If anything, I think home dogs get the shaft a bit too much, which is curious. Ok, total conjecture, but that's the theme this week. When in extreme doubt, take a home dog if available. Another interesting stat, how often in the NFL, what % of games, see home dogs in a given season. I'm guessing 42% ish. This week, (and of course it's got to vary a lot based on the given matchups in a week and is a better stat when viewed over the half-season or full season), the home team is favored in 6/12 games.

• Cinci +10 vs. Pitts - Pitts is battered. Cinci looking for a breakout game. Pitts won't score enough, although we might be headed straight for a push here. Honestly, I'm not even sure if Carson Palmer will be back, but I don't care. Oh, it turns out he's a question mark. Great, either way, we'll take him. Cinci lost by 12 @ the Jets last week. I think they can do 10 at home. Yeah right.
  
• Titans -7.5 @ Chiefs - I just don't see this turning out any other way.
  
• Lovie Smith's Boys -3 vs. Minnesota - Bears' offense horrible or Atlanta D great? A little of both. But at home, I don't see Gus Frerrotte dominating Lovie Smith's kids and frankly I'm shocked this is the line. Minnesota stole the game from a horrible team last week with a bogus PI call. I would set the line Bears -8 or so here.
  
• SD -1 @ Buffalo - this is the week Buffalo falls into the permanent spiral that characterizes every season since Thurman the huge drunk Thomas. SD, on the other hand, is waking up nicely. LT getting healthy. Rivers in the groove. After SD's shellacking of angry Bellicek's Boston kids last week, I can't see this ending any other way.*** PICK CHANGED TO BUFFALO, SEE BELOW***
  
• Saints +3 @ Panthers - You know you're a shitty handicapper when you pick this game based on the fact that you picked three straight favorites before, although the games you are picking are listed in an arbitrary order on the sheet. Seriously though, what happened to Carolina's D? Carolina LOVES to lay eggs at home too. Plus I'll be at the game. Plus plus Carolina sucks. Plus plus plus, just like the Bills, this is the week the Panthers bubble pops. It might be ugly by the time Breeze is done at B of A stadium in downtown Charlotte, NC.
• Dallas -7 @ Rams. I see this line is as high as -11 on a few books which seems more like it, but at least two are still listing -7 so I'll take it. Don't care about Romo. Don't care about the Rams taking down Washington. This is not some fucking M Bulger 420 revival with Jim Haslette in St. Louis. Felix Jones is out to but Brad Johnson, ancient, can still play. I just know he can. Constantly undervalued just like Jeff Garcia, Johnson will lead the team to an easy victory in that ugly, indoor stadium in the shit-hole, pit, middle-of-America gross place that is St. Louis.
  
• Dolphins -2.5 vs. Baltimore. Baltimore isn't good as I said last week in this rundown in what was clearly the most prescient, wise, embellishment I wrote on any of my picks. Miami isn't good either. But they are winning and that's what matters. 2.5 at home should be reasonable. Now, who is the Dolphins coach - Steve Spagnoli. Tony Sparano? Who is the Giants defensive coordinator, I always get him and this Sparano fucker confused. Oh, it's Steve Spagnuolo. Don't think I would have come up with that one.
  
• Lions +9 @ Texas - the Dont Fucking Ask Me Why, Idiot, (DFAMWI), Pick of the Week! Lions got robbed last week actually, that's why, and Texas is shitty.
  
• Raiders +3 vs. Jets - I don't know what to make of this line. It's a big red flag, seems so obvious for Jets. But since the red flag matchup worked wonders for me in picking the Cards over Dallas last week, (another very prescient embellishment of the pick was written by me, I must say), I'll go with the strangely only +3 Raiders this week too. Plus I need more Dogs, and what better Dog than a home Dog. JaMarcus Russel, breakout game? Basically I'm just counting on the old, old, old Brett Favre Bean to throw 8 Ints.
  
• Indi -1.5 @ GB - The Colts are back and I really love this pick. Seattle made GB look great this weekend.
• TB -10.5 vs. Hawks - the Seahawks are literally falling apart. QB Charlie Frye, #1 Wideout Koren DUI Robinson. (Though Branch should be back, again). Do I really need to say more? No, not at all, Jeff Garcia will CRUSH the Hawks. Can you believe that Koren Robison is still in the league, let alone back with the Hawks? It's unfathomable to me. This is just a disgrace. Hawks will lose again, badly.
  
• Broncos +3.5 @ Pats - I hate the pats. I hate the pats. I could type that all day. Spite Pick O' the Week, (SPOW).
  

That's 7 faves and 5 dogs... Let's quickly peruse to see if there isn't one more dog I could consider switching to. Titans, (because they don't score), and SD, (because maybe Buffalo is that good), look attractive to switch away from as road faves. But I'll stick to my guns. When Buffalo crushes SD don't say I didn't tell you so..... 5 minute later update... I re-read the post and I specifically said when in extreme doubt take a home dog. I have to follow through. I'm going back on my word and... Buffalo +1 vs. SD. New official pick.

Bonus Pick: Tampa Bay is +135 on most lines for tonight. Tim Wakefield is horrible. I'll take the Rays again.

Monday Monday

Started off the NFL experience at 5-5. Not bad I suppose, given the unpredictable outcomes straight up. Scored victories thusly: Road Favorites (0/1), Road Dogs (2/3), Home Faves (2/4), Home Dogs (1/2). Of the 10 games I tempted the spread on, favorites covered the spread 4 times, leaving 6 victories against the spread for dogs. I won't be making picks on Monday anymore because I'd like to handicap all the games from now on. I will however, for posterity, briefly mention my thoughts about tonight's baseball action. List, really.

Boston is a whopping anywhere from -180 to a silly, rarely-heard-of -200 to win with John Lester tonight against Garza of the Rays @ Fenway. Simply from a value standpoint, I'll select the St. Petersburg Stingrays @ +180.

Joe Torre's kids are a similarly strong -180 accross the bored with D Lowe who got "roughed up" in his last start says the national herd. Roughed up? Dominating with 2 bad pitches to give up 3 runs is not roughed up, and the line knows it. Is Joe Blanton shitty now or something? Why are the Phillies such dogs. I guess the bookmakers really like following the trend that has seen the home team win in the last 15 meetups between these clubs or something silly like that. I really like the Dodgers to win this game but -180 is too much. Here's a good opportunity to take the spread in a baseball game, something I rarely do. I'll select D Lowe and company -1.5 for +105. Boy did Old Man Moyer eat shit yesterday. Shayne Victorino can play the beady-eyed, slimy petty/moderate criminal in any movie I make.



Monday Night Bonus: Here's an official pick that will go to my current 5-5 record in the NFL. NY Giants -9 @ Browns f/ghost of Romeo Crenell's arteries. I must say however that I could have got the Giants for as little as -6.5 yesterday. Still a bargain at -9.

NFL Bloodletting Week 1 (6)

Time to do a quick bloodletting on this week's NFL action... How did I do in my first week. I can't remember my picks from Monday, but given the tumultuous action today, I doubt it was good. Let's see how I fared shall we.

• Chicago (-2.5) @ Atlanta - Chicago looked good yesterday didn't they? Freshly shaven Kyle Orton leads the NFL in passing so far this week. That new running back they have is solid. All of that "Detroit will make you look good" talk is a bit overwinded. Matt Ryan, Michael Turner and all that are better than expected but I don't think they can produce against Chicago's D like they did against lifeless Green Bay this week. Mediocre teams like Chicago are hard to pick as road favorites but at this point in the season Atlanta, though looking increasingly impressive, just hasn't shown me the consistency they needed to to take them here. Food that this matchup resembles: Salmon. Slippery and smelly. I won't be watching this game.


• Arizona (+5.5) vs. Dallas - Tough matchup to pick. Dallas seems such an easy pick here and this sends up a red flag. The perpetually hapless Cards have shown flashes of a brilliant offense and Dallas' D needs to step it up and hasn't yet. The behemoth new stadium out there in Phoenix seems to work well for Kurt Swollen Finger Warner's Kids. If Arizona comes through with this pick, and I know they will, I'll rename the team for the rest of the year to A Boldin's Smooshed Sinuses. Baseball Player this matchup resembles: Burt Blyeleven - he fucking loves to fart.


• Denver (-3.5) vs. Jacksonville - The "Don't Fucking Ask Me Why, Idiot," (DFAMWI), pick of the week.


• Miami (+3) @ Houston - Houston favored? After last weeks meltdown against the Colts what can we even say. Has any one player ever been more personally responsible for a teams loss than Sage Rosenfels? Miami is up and coming. Song this matchup resembles: John S. - the Hotdog Song. That's right. By the way, did you see Rosenfels get smoked on that first fumble? Why are you jumping Sage? Talk about the road to the loss column and the hospital being paved with good intentions. Sage, you got busted like Tony Eury Jr. at Infineon when he made that 100% hairbrained call not to pit Dale Jr. and then made a silly excuse that was just embarrasing. Sage, you got busted like Katie Couric sucked Sarah Palin's brain out of her eye socket.
  


• Indi (-5.5) vs. Baltimore - writing this is becoming more boring than ESPN's daytime programming, check that, more boring than ESPN 2's Sunday programming. I like watching hillbillies shoot animals as much as the next cynical, uncreative, middle class washup but... Indy isn't going to waste their season like Tony Dungy wastes his life praying, not with Manning Sr. at the helm, gangreen'd leg n all. Baltimore is OVER-RATED, clap clap clap clap clap, OVER-RATED, clap clap... (Sorry, like Kobe Bryant in Colorado)


• Jets (-6) vs. Cinci - Brett Favre is on a mission and Cincinatti is so unlikeable I can't even comment. I'd hate to see it, I really would, but could Chad Johnson end up the first NFL player ever to be decapitated on the field during play? What would be the effect on the game if this happened? People would love it I think - the same sick monkeys, closet homosexuals, hillbillies and other weirdos that watch MMA. Did you see that dude that smooshed Kimbo Slice is a raving homosexual? Aweeeeesome.


• SF (+6) vs. Philly - I'm not sold on Philly. Come out to SF and get smooshed by JT O'Sullivan, UC Davis' own journeyman superstar. Mike Nolan is in it to win it. TV Show this matchup most resembles? None. Or a pie, one of the two. Or a cake. Or Otis Nixon. (Promise i'll stop the Otis Nixon references but it's hard to resist). It's good to pick home dogs, it just is, I like to pick them, I just do, like Jonathan Papplebon is a total scary pedophile look-a-like, he just is.


• Ok, so far I've picked just one more favorite than underdog - a nice mix - and totally unintentional. This has the makings of an outstanding week.


• Seattle (-3) vs. GB - Hard to pick Seattle since they are FUCKING HORRIBLE! But Green Bay is sucking it up and you'd have to think with the home crowd behind them it's now or never for Seattle.


• Carolina (+2) @ Tampa featuring Gruden's kids. - Carolina is Pho' Real. Eat some noodle soup as you watch the ever-emerging DeAngelo Williams dice up Gruden's kids in the big Sombrero. Tampa is a mighty fine team this year too. This NFC clash will be close but Steve Smith is a big time wild card as well as being one mean animal. Intense, insane, skilled, Steve Smith truly looks like he has metal serrated teeth he's so ferocious and scary.


• St Louis (+13.5) @ Washington - Jim Zorn is too conservative to win by enough to beat the horrible, sad, St. Louis Rams featuring an embarrasing Torry Holt and a wish list that includes Mike Marz's genitals. Huh?

5-5 in the 10 games I picked. That's a loss in my book. 6-5 needed to push with commission. If anything, judging by my Monday comments, the only trend is that my impassioned, irrational picks were wrong. That's a good, if not fun, sign. Poop. As I continue the season, I will crush. Promise.

College Football Recap

I got slaughtered this week. Well, not really, 5-7, but it felt like it. Sure, i haven't been watching enough college football this year, but even a blind pick, a game of dart throwing at picks, pin the tail on the pick, etc, should have yielded more reasonable results...

* ECU -6.5 @ Virginia - Skip Holtz, hold your squad together. Viriginia, though having bizzarely crushed Maryland, is one of the worst teams in the country. Boy it's hard to bet on the ACC this year. Boy it's a week strange conference. I watched i heavily for the first time in my life last year and I was so confused. Certain teams came on late, other teams faded and the number one rule of the weakened ACC, you just shouldn't count on anyone.
* Oklahoma -6 vs. Texas - game of the day sees Stoops' Sooners show Mack Mickey Brown that his Longhorns are supremely overrated. I think this is a good point to insert the Tame Joke Lacking Punchline O' the Day Feature, today's 'joke' stolen from the typically inane viewer comments featured on one of the ESPN platforms: Come on, you think Texas has a chance, I don't see Vince Young walking through those doors anytime soon!!!!!!! (ding-dong, CRASH!)
* Kentucky +2.5 vs. Gamecocks from Columbia, SC
* Purdue +19 @ Buckeyes. You know I hate Jim Train Tressel
* Oklahoma St. +14 @ Mizzou f/ghost of Quinn Thyroid Snyder
* Georgia -12.5 vs. Volunteers f/ghost of Heath Shuler
* Notre Dame +8.5 @ NC - I hate Charlie Weiss. I HATE the Irish. I would NEVER bet on this game but I'll pick it for posterity and hope the final score is a simple 8-0 NC! 4 safeties. Go heels.
* Arizona -7 @ Stanford
* Wazzu +30 @ Corvalis Beavers
* Cincinatti -7 vs. Rutgers - Oh! Greg Schiano! What a hero! What a fucking hero! Rutgers oh! James Gandolphini is at the game! Oh! It's so near NY. Oh! Oh! Micahel Strahan is at the game! What a hero! What a man! What a school! RUTGERS FUCKING SUCKS EAT MY ASS RUTGERS.
* Penn St. -6 @ Wisconsin
* Boise St. -11 @ So Miss f/spectre of Larry Eustache

13 games wagered this week. (Including last nights loss.) Totally unintentionally, I picked the spread to be crushed, battered, raped, beaten, assaulted and fried, sauted, eaten, shitted, trashed, and buried by :

* Home Dogs: 1/13 - (0/1)
* Home Faves: 3/13 - (0/3)
* Road Dogs: 5/13 - (3/2)
* Road Faves: 4/13 - (2/2)

So a 5-8 week overall. Road Dogs covered nicely. Only one of those road dogs pulled the straight up victory though - thanks Gundy and OSU. Chase Daniels overrated. Big 12 shake up. OSU 2nd best? Do they play Texas later this year as well? I'm too lazy to look that up. Peace!

Time is Tight

Time is tight. It is, but also, the idea is you start this clip and browse through the rest of the post at ease, enjoying the sounds. A pioneering idea in blog presentation.



This was never supposed to be a full blown blog yet but I'd like to get some college football picks on the record. I'm embarrassed. For now I don't have the energy to scribe about the hated Red Sox. They deserve a professional, long, scathing, creative post. I don't want to give the impression I merely dislike them. So, already 0-1 this week, I nevertheless head into my first week of college football handicapping with great optimism - NCAAF is a great way to crush the lines. I actually really have no idea how liquid the market in betting is. I'd always used to think that teams like Notre Dame, the Red Sox, the Steelers, etc., were always good to bet against if originally inclined since the lines were inflated, bla bla bla, you know the basic betting strategy. I'm just not so sure any of that bullshit is true anymore. When lines move, the reason they move is unclear. They tend to move intra-casino regardless of the action at any one place. If Vegas moves, internet moves. Sure, a good better would have numerous accounts to get the best deal, but a line is rarely more than a point different, and rarely more than a few hours. Something other than action is driving lines. More on that later. I said I wasn't going to write, and I'm serious, like the prospect of the Red Sox winning the World Series, and I'm bored like a poker player in a deep stack, slow-to-blind-up 7-stud tourney.

Record to Date (ATS, of course): 0-1

• ECU -6.5 @ Virginia - Skip Holtz, hold your squad together. Viriginia, though having bizzarely crushed Maryland, is one of the worst teams in the country. Boy it's hard to bet on the ACC this year. Boy it's a week strange conference. I watched i heavily for the first time in my life last year and I was so confused. Certain teams came on late, other teams faded and the number one rule of the weakened ACC, you just shouldn't count on anyone.
• Oklahoma -6 vs. Texas - game of the day sees Stoops' Sooners show Mack Mickey Brown that his Longhorns are supremely overrated. I think this is a good point to insert the Tame Joke Lacking Punchline O' the Day Feature, today's 'joke' stolen from the typically inane viewer comments featured on one of the ESPN platforms: Come on, you think Texas has a chance, I don't see Vince Young walking through those doors anytime soon!!!!!!! (ding-dong, CRASH!)
  
• Kentucky +2.5 vs. Gamecocks from Columbia, SC
• Purdue +19 @ Buckeyes. You know I hate Jim Train Tressel
  
• Oklahoma St. +14 @ Mizzou f/ghost of Quinn Thyroid Snyder
• Georgia -12.5 vs. Volunteers f/ghost of Heath Shuler
• Notre Dame +8.5 @ NC - I hate Charlie Weiss. I HATE the Irish. I would NEVER bet on this game but I'll pick it for posterity and hope the final score is a simple 8-0 NC! 4 safeties. Go heels.
• Arizona -7 @ Stanford
• Wazzu +30 @ Corvalis Beavers
• Cincinatti -7 vs. Rutgers - Oh! Greg Schiano! What a hero! What a fucking hero! Rutgers oh! James Gandolphini is at the game! Oh! It's so near NY. Oh! Oh! Micahel Strahan is at the game! What a hero! What a man! What a school! RUTGERS FUCKING SUCKS EAT MY ASS RUTGERS.
• Penn St. -6 @ Wisconsin
• Boise St. -11 @ So Miss f/spectre of Larry Eustache

13 games wagered this week. (Including last nights loss.) Totally unintentionally, I picked the spread to be crushed, battered, raped, beaten, assaulted and fried, sauted, eaten, shitted, trashed, and buried by :

• Home Dogs: 1/13
  
• Home Faves: 3/13
  
• Road Dogs: 5/13
  
• Road Faves: 4/13

Looks like I've picked too many fucking road teams. May the gambling gods be with you, and me.

NLCS City for Wagering Folks

After two really tough days with no major sporting events on at all, a rareity in the sporting calender, we're back big time tonight with Game 1 of the National League Championship Series as well as a nice college football matchup from the ACC - Clemson @ Wake. Clemson at Wake could have been a true barn burner if Wake didn't choke it off to Navy and... more on college football handicapping for this weekend later.

Honestly, my knowledge of the Torre's boys and Charley Manuel's kidz is limited to what I saw in the playoffs so far as well as the occasional add and drop of Derrick Lowe in fantasy and the stunning, awesome late season addition of Andre Ethier. (It never occured to me that Manny coming over to LA is what allowed Ethier's numbers to skyrocket, but that didn't matter in my fantasy league as I saw Eth.eir hit ungodly numbers the last month of the season.)

So it's D Lowe vs. Cole Hamels. Both of these fellows have generally equal records.

Interesting stat: In the second half of the season the Dodgers and Jimmy Rollins' kids played 2 4 game serii, the home team sweeping all 4 games in both serii. This favors Philadelphia then right? Perhaps, but the Dodgers are apparently fine on the road judging by their ass-fucking of Lou prostate Piniella's bad luck bears at Wrigley.

The Dodgers know how to pitch. Manny is a beast.

I'm taking LA to win the series. Incidentally, both LA and Philly are -110 for the series victory.

Joe Torre's kids will do it, featuring the ghost of Andre Dawson, the ghost of Andre Ethier Sr. and the ghost of Vin Scully Sr.

As for tonight's game, D Lowe and Cole "Denny" Hammels both finished off the season in pretty good form and then parlayed this into a good NLDS start. If LA can win tonight, the series is over before it begins. If they can't, they still should be ok.

Tonight LA is +120, so I'll take Philly at -130. I might even be gutsy enough to take Philly -1.5 at +150, a bargain if you're willing to take Ryan Howards' oaf kidz at all, since I doubt Game 1 will be close enough to be fought tooth and nail. If D Lowe blows up, Torre isn't going to waste the bullpen in game 1 of a best of 7. Should be an entertaining series, like watching a cluster bomb get dropped on Fenway Park.

Coming tommorow - ALCS preview. Help me along as a I struggle along, tormented, wrecked, frustrated, furious, sad, to handicap the Red Sox infested shit series. GO RAYS! This blog will finally experience what is my deepest passion in life: hatred of the Red Sox nation. (I'll take Clemson +2.5 tonight as well.)

Tame Joke Lacking Punchline O' the Day

Today's 'Tame Joke Lacking Punchline' is a video... (Presented by Mickey Mantle's Liver, Liver Spot 'Rick' Patino and Ricky Davis (Boston Celtics)).



But a little commentary, seriously. Is there anything more unfortunate than 1) Galagher's incessant 'daaghhh' noises or 2) the crowd's reactions as presented in the video?

Did you know Gallagher and his brother are at war after the original Gallagher let his bro imitate his act? After a while the original Gallagher didn't like that his bro didn't admit to crowds he wasn't the original Gallagher. Now original Gallagher has been turned against by his entire family who thinks he's being vindictive. Gallagher is damn near 60 and super poor. His comedy contemporaries all found a way out, and Gallagher is living month to month, playing shows for colleges no one's ever heard of. Gallagher (the original) is awfully bitter these days...

TJLP o' the Day - Special Edition! (f/the ghost of Mike Tomczak, sp ?)

Even considering the young history of the 'Tame Joke Lacking Punchline' of the day feature, by any measure today is special. Why? It's brought to you by special guest, Washington Redskins QB Jason Cambpell of Auburn where he played under Thomas Tubberville. Also brought to you by Thomas Tubberville, Terry Bowden and professional poker player Sam Grizzle.

A developer builds a house in a lot in an old neighborhod that's been vacant for decades. As a friendly gesture, the neighbors on one of the adjacent lots allow the builders' backhoes and other equipment to traverse through the edge of their property to get to the side and back of the construction lot. One day though, the neighbors see a piece of tree-removing equipment poised to enter the construction lot through their property. The builder desires to remove a tree in the back of the lot. Several Mexican immigrant workers mill about in anticipation of removing the green chestnut. The neighbors don't want the tree to be removed, so they take decisive action and say 'you can't use my yard to shuttle your equipment into the back of your lot.' (Duh-dunk - crash!)

TJLP o' the Day

It's time for the 'Tame Joke Lacking a Punchline' of the Day!

A dirty, young Southern European walks down the streets of a major European City, (Amsterdam, Paris, Berlin), with someone he met at a hostel, maybe a Brit or even an American. His English is pretty good and he's chatting up the young Brit or American. The Italian kid thinks he's really bohemian. He's started to learn about stuff at school, he's educated and he reads a lot of news. He's passionate, thoughtful.... and VERY naive. He says to the Brit/American, "...and you know everything's the same in America I think. You know, like you have a Walmart here, and you have like the same businesses in each town, like McDonalds..." The Italian waif's face brightens. He hasn't shaved in days. He's friendly, know-it-all-ish but good-intentioned as, at some point, he delivers the line, "and in Europe it's not like that you know!." (doo-doo-da-la-doo-doo, CRASH, doot-doot)

Monday NFL Week 6 Picks

Greetings. This is Jim Wriggleman and I'm here to welcome you to the first of what I hope will be a weekly installment of NFL handicapping. But, like Otis Nixon, picking teams here ought to be a little different. Everyone likes to handicap, but who handicaps on a Monday for the coming NFL week? Friends, only a true degenerate gambler wagers on a Monday, days and days before we'll know seemingly important things like what players will be starting, who is injured, and will a hurricane wipe out the relevant stadium or will Mark Mangino sit on something and break it? Of course, the line for next week's Monday Night Football matchup aren't even set, so I'll be picking 1 less game than a full gravy boat of matchups, and one gravy boat of matchups short a ladle of gravey is fucking awesome! Seriously though guys, fucking serious like a Trent Johnson concussion, Monday also has its advantages. Vegas - or Guido the bookie - could be surprised by late week news just as much as a common Tim Donaghy wagering type. Also, consider how fresh in your memory the teams' performances are going to be when you wager less than 24 hrs after they played? Sounds like a winner to me, much like Charlie's Weiss' gastic byepass was a semi-winner in tackling his little FUPA issue. (Don't tell him I said that.) I'm fucking Jim Thome. Of course I'll be cataloging my record throughout the season, dissecting betting outcomes and trends, and engaging in generally cliched analysis of the previous days', (and 2 days when they start playing on Saturday, or 4 days when they play Thursdays, heheheh derrr), matchups. So here we go hotdogs! Don't call me a drunken hobo walking down the middle of a quiet residential street looking threatening, call me a handicapper, or I'm not Jim Thighs Thome.

• Chicago (-2.5) @ Atlanta - Chicago looked good yesterday didn't they? Freshly shaven Kyle Orton leads the NFL in passing so far this week. That new running back they have is solid. All of that "Detroit will make you look good" talk is a bit overwinded. Matt Ryan, Michael Turner and all that are better than expected but I don't think they can produce against Chicago's D like they did against lifeless Green Bay this week. Mediocre teams like Chicago are hard to pick as road favorites but at this point in the season Atlanta, though looking increasingly impressive, just hasn't shown me the consistency they needed to to take them here. Food that this matchup resembles: Salmon. Slippery and smelly. I won't be watching this game.


• Arizona (+5.5) vs. Dallas - Tough matchup to pick. Dallas seems such an easy pick here and this sends up a red flag. The perpetually hapless Cards have shown flashes of a brilliant offense and Dallas' D needs to step it up and hasn't yet. The behemoth new stadium out there in Phoenix seems to work well for Kurt Swollen Finger Warner's Kids. If Arizona comes through with this pick, and I know they will, I'll rename the team for the rest of the year to A Boldin's Smooshed Sinuses. Baseball Player this matchup resembles: Burt Blyeleven - he fucking loves to fart.


• Denver (-3.5) vs. Jacksonville - The "Don't Fucking Ask Me Why, Idiot," (DFAMWI), pick of the week.


• Miami (+3) @ Houston - Houston favored? After last weeks meltdown against the Colts what can we even say. Has any one player ever been more personally responsible for a teams loss than Sage Rosenfels? Miami is up and coming. Song this matchup resembles: John S. - the Hotdog Song. That's right. By the way, did you see Rosenfels get smoked on that first fumble? Why are you jumping Sage? Talk about the road to the loss column and the hospital being paved with good intentions. Sage, you got busted like Tony Eury Jr. at Infineon when he made that 100% hairbrained call not to pit Dale Jr. and then made a silly excuse that was just embarrasing. Sage, you got busted like Katie Couric sucked Sarah Palin's brain out of her eye socket.
  


• Indi (-5.5) vs. Baltimore - writing this is becoming more boring than ESPN's daytime programming, check that, more boring than ESPN 2's Sunday programming. I like watching hillbillies shoot animals as much as the next cynical, uncreative, middle class washup but... Indy isn't going to waste their season like Tony Dungy wastes his life praying, not with Manning Sr. at the helm, gangreen'd leg n all. Baltimore is OVER-RATED, clap clap clap clap clap, OVER-RATED, clap clap... (Sorry, like Kobe Bryant in Colorado)


• Jets (-6) vs. Cinci - Brett Favre is on a mission and Cincinatti is so unlikeable I can't even comment. I'd hate to see it, I really would, but could Chad Johnson end up the first NFL player ever to be decapitated on the field during play? What would be the effect on the game if this happened? People would love it I think - the same sick monkeys, closet homosexuals, hillbillies and other weirdos that watch MMA. Did you see that dude that smooshed Kimbo Slice is a raving homosexual? Aweeeeesome.


• SF (+6) vs. Philly - I'm not sold on Philly. Come out to SF and get smooshed by JT O'Sullivan, UC Davis' own journeyman superstar. Mike Nolan is in it to win it. TV Show this matchup most resembles? None. Or a pie, one of the two. Or a cake. Or Otis Nixon. (Promise i'll stop the Otis Nixon references but it's hard to resist). It's good to pick home dogs, it just is, I like to pick them, I just do, like Jonathan Papplebon is a total scary pedophile look-a-like, he just is.


• Ok, so far I've picked just one more favorite than underdog - a nice mix - and totally unintentional. This has the makings of an outstanding week.


• Seattle (-3) vs. GB - Hard to pick Seattle since they are FUCKING HORRIBLE! But Green Bay is sucking it up and you'd have to think with the home crowd behind them it's now or never for Seattle.


• Carolina (+2) @ Tampa featuring Gruden's kids. - Carolina is Pho' Real. Eat some noodle soup as you watch the ever-emerging DeAngelo Williams dice up Gruden's kids in the big Sombrero. Tampa is a mighty fine team this year too. This NFC clash will be close but Steve Smith is a big time wild card as well as being one mean animal. Intense, insane, skilled, Steve Smith truly looks like he has metal serrated teeth he's so ferocious and scary.


• St Louis (+13.5) @ Washington - Jim Zorn is too conservative to win by enough to beat the horrible, sad, St. Louis Rams featuring an embarrasing Torry Holt and a wish list that includes Mike Marz's genitals. Huh?

Welcome

Blog City. Welcome to this blog - Tim Donaghy's Green Bean Kids. I, Timmy Donaghy, have started this blog to discuss all things, with a special focus on sports. I really don't give a shit, (in general), and I'll prove it through this web log as I cull from sources diverse, ramble on, and even plagiarize. In time, as the Cincinatti Bengals continue to lose, and the Red Sox continue to win with their molesto-squad, (featuring Kevin Euklis), certain features are bound to develop in this nook of mediocrity. A cyber-nook of mediocrity.

For now though, I propose to start each day of posts off with what I call the "Tame Joke Lacking a Punchline," (TJLP), feature.

Since no one is reading this blog yet, and perhaps never will, I write this post mainly for posterity and to establish habit, routine and voice. So, without further blabbering, I give you the first installment of TJLP:

Remember the days back when life was complex, but also exciting, when one had a variety of search engines to choose from on the Internet? Amazingly, some of these search engines actually gave diverse results, largley unreplicated on other engines? One might start with Lycos, move onto Excite, and then head over to Yahoo! which sent you to Inktomi. Hotbot, Altavista, Webcrawler... the world is a much simpler place these days. (duh-dunk, crash!)